Monkeys are awesome, so we're going to be seeing a lot more of them. My compliments to the Marine Corps; you are a fine fighting machine, but as far as guarding the White House, we're going with monkeys in dress uniforms. Also, we're going to make them at least Colonels, so if you're in the military and visiting the White House... get ready to salute a monkey.
We're also going to see what we can do to get monkeys some combat experience. By the end of my first year in office, I want, at a minimum, one monkey with a confirmed kill.
I'm the President. That means when you come into my office you knock first, come straight in, stand at attention 3-5 paces from my desk, and lock it up until I tell you otherwise.
If you want to work in my White House, you'd better be female. And a supermodel. Gone are the days when government officials are fat old white guys. My monkey Colonels will enforce this.
I've never seen a budget I couldn't cut. I reserve the right to line item veto the federal budget. I'm bringing in my people to go over it, one item at a time. No more pork, no more bullshit. If I cut your pet project, Mr. Congressperson From Southeast Bumfuck USA, it's not because I don't like you, it's because your stupid project is, well, stupid. No one cares about, for example, leafy spurge eradication or hatchery renovation. Don't even try that shit on me.
However, I will support any pork that provides money and/or drugs for Adult Swim to make new episodes 7 days a wekk.
Working as a high-level official in my Administration will take some getting used to. I have one rule: Finish your assignment and report back to me with results within one week, or you're fired. Month-long confirmation hearings? Negative, if it's not done by Friday I'm dissolving Congress and calling new elections.
Don't be surprised when I use the Jedi mind trick on you. If it doesn't work, you better pretend like it did, because I promise you it will be very awkward when you call me out on it and I pretend like I have no idea what you're talking about. So play along.
We landed a man on the moon 35 years ago and then gave up manned space exploration. That's no way to build an empire! So here's the deal. NASA - if you haven't landed a man on the moon by the end of my first term, I'm disbanding you and privatizing space exploration. More importantly, if you haven't landed a man on MARS by the of my SECOND term, not only will I disband the agency, I will draft your execs into the military and have them salute monkeys all day long.
The American President has always led from the front when it comes to fashion, and I will be no different. So you're going to be seeing government employees wearing stuff that looks a lot cooler than a business suit: Star Trek uniforms. High level officials and myself will wear Jedi Knight robes. Monkeys and people I don't like will wear brassieres at all times.
When we have a problem with a foreign country, I'll invite its executive over for high level talks. I'll meet him in the Rose Garden on live TV. Except he won't be meeting me, he'll be meeting my body double. I'll be in the bushes, wearing camo, sneaking around all silent like. Then I'll come up behind him and knife him in the throat and yell out "Close kill motherfucker!" It'll be the most violent thing people have ever seen on live TV. Miraculously, other nations will suddenly stop hassling me. Which leads to my next point...
Powered armor suits, handheld nukes, starships, orbital insertion. Basically anything from Starship Troopers is a go.
I'm shrinking the government, drastically. I'm going to sell off every department that's not neccessary and pocket the profits. If anyone has a problem with that, you're welcome to call me to complain, but know that I will find out who you are, and then draft you into the military, where you'll spend all day saluting monkeys.
I'm simplifying the tax code: Everybody pays x percent. Fuck the 1040 and the other thousand odd tax forms, my tax form will be online-only and have one box you fill in: income. It'll calculate your tax from that and pay it automagically from your bank account. Cheat on your taxes and I'll have you executed by monkey firing squad.
We're going to have Parent Licenses. You can only get one by passing the PAT (Parental Aptitude Test). It won't be terribly difficult, but it will weed out the people whose genes really aren't worth propagating into the next generation. Also, I reserve the right to revoke anyone's PL for any reason; mostly this would happen to you if you are ugly or stupid. I already have enough work to do trying turning this country around, I don't need you contaminating the gene pool.
Also, we're going to come up with a pronoun for a baby that isn't cumbersome ('He or she') or sinister ('it').
I look forward to taking the oath and assuming office. It's going to be a fun ride, and if you like what you see here, you can bet that I'll really let it all hang out once I've won re-election.